Almost Done

    So right now I'm putting the finishing touches on my room, and preparing for my graduation tomorrow. Today I was super productive. I got to sleep in 'till 8, then I mowed the lawn, swept the garage (since I had already cleaned it the day before), went shopping, painted my closet doors and windows white (pictures soon), walked my Pastor's dog, went shopping again, pulled weeds/ did garden work, and did a spot-check on my bedroom. Not bragging lol. Anyway, tomorrow is kind of gonna be a drag, since the ceremony lasts about 3 1/2 hours, and I have to be there one hour early. Not a big fan of pretentious home school mothers either. Yet, I am graduating and I shall be hopeful. My graduation party was moved from tomorrow to Sunday, because of rain. Odds are it will rain Sunday, too, with my luck, but I shall still remain hopeful.
     I'm pretty sure I'm gonna kick myself for not writing anything meaningful about the "breathtaking moments before I leap into adulthood", but I don't really care right now lol.
     Also, withing the next two weeks I will be doing a picture tour of my house for all of you lovelys to see. We did a lot of renovations and I just feel like sharing, sue me. I'll also be posting graduation pics soon as well. Sorry, my brain is kind of scattered at the moment with all the work I still have yet to do. Love you guys! Pray for me :)

Nope, didn't do my hair. I'm happy.

                                                       

Also, check out the new decal I made :) Enjoy Every Moment

I. Made. It.

     So the pressure is officially on. I start one of my new jobs tomorrow and then I'm kicking myself into gear. I graduate officially this coming Saturday, then I guess everything just changes all over again. Anyway, I've been going to this youth group for highschoolers and it ended last Sunday. It was really sad and I cried a lot.
     It got me thinking about how much has changed over the years.
     The first thing I thought about was my first night of high school group. It had been a long day, and I was really nervous to go. All my middle school friends were either not coming, or still in middle school. I had no idea what was going to happen. Truth be told, I didn't have a lot of friends at the time, and that made things worse. My first night was downright horrible. I hated it. There were two people that singled me out as the home schooled weirdo, and they were relentless. I went home feeling like I just didn't belong there. Everything I knew had changed, and I wanted to go back to my Jr. high group again.
     So, that was the beginning of the school year, and I had recently decided that I wasn't going to go to public school and I was just generally going through a lot at the time. It was mostly dealing with consequences for things I had done wrong the previous summer, but it sucked nonetheless.
     Anyway, I went home that night feeling super crappy and generally defeated. I'd felt poorly before, like everyone else has, but this feeling was very different. (I've always had that habit of pitying myself.) It came from deep within my stomach and it felt heavy. I couldn't stop frowning, and I mean, real frowning. I wanted to cry, but I was also too angry to cry. I felt like if I did, the people who were jerks to me would win, even though I wasn't even around them anymore. Anger genuinely flowed through me, giving me chills. I wanted to make everyone regret ever giving me what I deserve (and also didn't deserve), and I wanted to make them burn.
     I wanted to kill myself.
     No joke, that's what went through my mind. I had no care for the future in any way. I wanted to stick it to everyone. I didn't even stop and think about how I wouldn't even be able to see my revenge.
     So I got a belt and put it around my neck. I began to choke myself.
     It felt so horrible, physical pain aside.
     This went on for maybe two minutes of me not being able to breathe. My head was pounding and my nose was bleeding like crazy. I had to throw out the pants and shirt I was wearing it was so bad.
     Then I let go. I needed to breathe. I just had to. I pulled the belt off and started to cry uncontrollably. My mom came into my room, and seeing the mess I was, asked me what was wrong. I told her that I had a bad night and I was just moody. I told her that I cried so hard I got a bloody nose, too.
     Needless to say, I survived that night.
     Looking back at the feelings I felt during that rough time and comparing with the ones I'm feeling now, truly amaze me. The people I wanted nothing to do with, became some of the most important people in my life. I hated going to that youth group every Sunday night for the entire first year, and now I don't want to leave it. I built my nest there, and now it's time for it to end.
     Just sitting here typing this, I'm trying not to cry. If any of you guys that I know from high school group are reading this, I need you to know how important you are to me. You guys literally helped keep me alive, no joke. God put you guys here and put me with you guys for a reason. I can't imagine where I would be if I never knew any of you. (I am aware that realistically maybe two of you guys even read my blog, but whatever.) You all are my family. No doubt about it.
     So, all that's left to think about is my future. I had made the mistake of not considering the future when I went into high school, and I don't intend to make that mistake again (even though everything turned out okay). Truth be told, I'm more scared than I'll admit, about growing up. (I've got Stressed Out by Twenty- One Pilots playing in my head right now.) It makes me sad. It's not hard for me to say goodbye to people sometimes, but this is different. I don't want to get used to not seeing my old friends. I don't ever want this to end, even though I know it does and how it does.
     Anyway, despite that, I intend to play my cards right this time around. I've got another four more years of school, just like high school. Maybe I can get this right.
     So, all in all, everything changed and everything changes. To the girl on that night who told herself you're not going to make it, nothing good can come from this, killing yourself is the answer, you won't even make it out of high school, I have one thing I want to say:
     I made it.
     Maybe these next four years won't be so bad.

I Require a Little Bit of Insanity

     So, for a few months now, I have been able to officially call myself an artist.
     Truth be told, I've always hated artists, with their metaphors and their so-called "deep meanings". Even after being able to call myself an artist I still believe that a lot of artists are full of it. Yeah, people are paying millions of dollars for scribbles made by someone who sold his first legitimately good sketches to a wine-sipping pretentious debonair (you can tell I've thought about this before), who had no idea what he was getting into, but also didn't care because of his shining trust fund.
    Anyway, moving away from my rant. Onto my favorite type of art.
    I love anything that's insane.
    All of my favorite artists were insane. I might sound weird for saying it, but it's true. From Edgar Allen Poe to Nikola Tesla (and yes, I am aware I just mentioned an artist and an inventor, but they're still artists to me), I just happen to love the insane ones. In my mind, they're the ones who see things more beautifully. Not to sound lame, but it's just beautiful to see someone make something so amazing despite their pain.
     One thing I've realized about being an artist is, I get really frustrated a lot. I get tense, and my whole brain kinda just shuts down. I've learned that making something, whether it's a sketch or a sculpture, helps me out. Not saying it's a special feeling or anything, it just helps calm me down. I've actually begun to figure out why it works too. The thing is, I want people to be proud of me, like, all the time. I feel like unless I'm being useful or artsy, people might not need me. When I make something, I feel like I've bought myself a little more time. It's not some kind of horrible thing, but it makes sense to me now.
     So how do I make what I make?
     Simply through insanity. Sometimes, I just sit and let my eyes kind of zone out, while I simply imagine things. Occasionally, I'll put in my headphones and play the dub-step violin at full blast, and let my imagination take it's course. When I'm alone and feel like crying, I do it. Even if I have no reason why. I've I feel like breaking something, I do it. That's my insanity. I go with my immediate feelings and let great things happen. It's honestly the most freeing thing I've ever felt. I don't need to compose myself. I'm a freaking artist. lol There's something very truly amazing when you can get past the idea that you have to put on airs to be an artist. That's what traps you.
     I just want to clarify that when I say artist, I don't mean just painters or sketchers. I know I'm about to sound cheesy, but everything you do originally is an art. If you make your bed a certain way, that's an art. It really doesn't matter. It's what makes you different from everyone else. God gave you an appearance different from everyone else (unless I am speaking to identical twins), so that part was already taken care of. Your personality is an art.
     My personality has changed a lot over the years, and I think I've finally settled on my final one. I've learned to care about what people think, but only to an extent. I will be polite and friendly, but if someone has a problem with me, that's their problem. I can't change them either, and I don't care much to do so anyway. In a way, it's my I-don't-really-care personality. It sounds bad, but it's really not. It's helped my artwork, too, in a way. I still get frustrated, but it's helped ease the cranial tension as I so weirdly call it.
     Anyway, that's all I really wanted to say.
    Oh! And here's Leonardo Da Vinci's last words,
    "I have offended God and Mankind, by doing so little with my life".

Here's some of my art :)

 I started writing a story called The Unlikely. I took this pic and a friend wanted a copy. It made me happy. Another friend still wants me to finish the book. I just might :)

 Started drawing a tree, ended up with nerve fibers...typical. lol

 Photo taken by Nicholas Bruno. His pictures always inspire me, though they're kind of dark.

 Decorating your room is an art, too. Though, this was well over a year ago lol. I'm thinking of doing a tour of my home for my next post :) Just pics though lol

 In the dark with just the flash on. :)

 Artists are messy. I feel better when I have at least one mess, though I also try to keep a clean room. It's confusing :P

 A pic of the pergola in my back yard. :)

Made this out of old sheet music.

 My first bird. :) About a year ago.

 A leaf :)

 Plan to get this tattooed behind my ear within this year :)

 I have a habit of doodling on my arm lol it's how I roll when I don't have my prized sketchbook. :P

Took this in the car. :) Condensation








Side note: Follow me on Pinterest! My name is Kat Cremeans on it :)