I. Made. It.

     So the pressure is officially on. I start one of my new jobs tomorrow and then I'm kicking myself into gear. I graduate officially this coming Saturday, then I guess everything just changes all over again. Anyway, I've been going to this youth group for highschoolers and it ended last Sunday. It was really sad and I cried a lot.
     It got me thinking about how much has changed over the years.
     The first thing I thought about was my first night of high school group. It had been a long day, and I was really nervous to go. All my middle school friends were either not coming, or still in middle school. I had no idea what was going to happen. Truth be told, I didn't have a lot of friends at the time, and that made things worse. My first night was downright horrible. I hated it. There were two people that singled me out as the home schooled weirdo, and they were relentless. I went home feeling like I just didn't belong there. Everything I knew had changed, and I wanted to go back to my Jr. high group again.
     So, that was the beginning of the school year, and I had recently decided that I wasn't going to go to public school and I was just generally going through a lot at the time. It was mostly dealing with consequences for things I had done wrong the previous summer, but it sucked nonetheless.
     Anyway, I went home that night feeling super crappy and generally defeated. I'd felt poorly before, like everyone else has, but this feeling was very different. (I've always had that habit of pitying myself.) It came from deep within my stomach and it felt heavy. I couldn't stop frowning, and I mean, real frowning. I wanted to cry, but I was also too angry to cry. I felt like if I did, the people who were jerks to me would win, even though I wasn't even around them anymore. Anger genuinely flowed through me, giving me chills. I wanted to make everyone regret ever giving me what I deserve (and also didn't deserve), and I wanted to make them burn.
     I wanted to kill myself.
     No joke, that's what went through my mind. I had no care for the future in any way. I wanted to stick it to everyone. I didn't even stop and think about how I wouldn't even be able to see my revenge.
     So I got a belt and put it around my neck. I began to choke myself.
     It felt so horrible, physical pain aside.
     This went on for maybe two minutes of me not being able to breathe. My head was pounding and my nose was bleeding like crazy. I had to throw out the pants and shirt I was wearing it was so bad.
     Then I let go. I needed to breathe. I just had to. I pulled the belt off and started to cry uncontrollably. My mom came into my room, and seeing the mess I was, asked me what was wrong. I told her that I had a bad night and I was just moody. I told her that I cried so hard I got a bloody nose, too.
     Needless to say, I survived that night.
     Looking back at the feelings I felt during that rough time and comparing with the ones I'm feeling now, truly amaze me. The people I wanted nothing to do with, became some of the most important people in my life. I hated going to that youth group every Sunday night for the entire first year, and now I don't want to leave it. I built my nest there, and now it's time for it to end.
     Just sitting here typing this, I'm trying not to cry. If any of you guys that I know from high school group are reading this, I need you to know how important you are to me. You guys literally helped keep me alive, no joke. God put you guys here and put me with you guys for a reason. I can't imagine where I would be if I never knew any of you. (I am aware that realistically maybe two of you guys even read my blog, but whatever.) You all are my family. No doubt about it.
     So, all that's left to think about is my future. I had made the mistake of not considering the future when I went into high school, and I don't intend to make that mistake again (even though everything turned out okay). Truth be told, I'm more scared than I'll admit, about growing up. (I've got Stressed Out by Twenty- One Pilots playing in my head right now.) It makes me sad. It's not hard for me to say goodbye to people sometimes, but this is different. I don't want to get used to not seeing my old friends. I don't ever want this to end, even though I know it does and how it does.
     Anyway, despite that, I intend to play my cards right this time around. I've got another four more years of school, just like high school. Maybe I can get this right.
     So, all in all, everything changed and everything changes. To the girl on that night who told herself you're not going to make it, nothing good can come from this, killing yourself is the answer, you won't even make it out of high school, I have one thing I want to say:
     I made it.
     Maybe these next four years won't be so bad.